Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
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My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
It be like that sometimes 😆
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
#milo
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month