Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
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My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
A double negative is a big no-no.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Imma just leave this here…………
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
How times have changed.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park