[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
You Might Also Like
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
What personal space?
My dog