reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.