you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
You Might Also Like
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Yup….perfect score!
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭