MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Netflix and you sit over there.