Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
You Might Also Like
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
me hooking up with my ex
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart