I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
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Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]