My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches