They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
You Might Also Like
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Does beer think about me too?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?