Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Just me?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.