Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.