At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY