I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
So the ex texted me
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Day 2 of my diet
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”