Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.