i hate you platonically
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.