Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.