I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide