I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy