Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
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[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
What’s so funny?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Salad is the decaf of food.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…