Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
every college guy’s fridge
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.