Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
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I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
when you are just born a rebel
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.