Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
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“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.