I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
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Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this