You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
You Might Also Like
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.