I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???