It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
You Might Also Like
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Just say no
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.