Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
#StillHurts
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.