Realize this:
You Might Also Like
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
#oldknees