ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.