You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.