The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
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My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When you’re Kinky but poor
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”