The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
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time machine? you mean a clock?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.