ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
We need more people like this.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
The first one, obviously
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid