My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.