Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way