My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
mumsnet is amazing
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really