Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Baking is just science you can eat.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever