I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem