My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
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*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise