Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.