Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse