FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!