Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Cool shirt 🙂
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here