I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
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Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade