Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
#polloftheday
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Why font matters.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper