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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*