People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I put the hot in psychotic.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.