Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am