My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
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Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled